Nigella Lawson incident.WTF???

I love Nigella Lawson…

Whenever I am depressed, I watch one of her episodes and instantly feel better, even great.

And it is not her looks or come-hitherness and food porn only. OK, admittedly it is one epic quality food porn..

But it is her frank, unapologetic lust for food and life, her sense of humour, her obvious pleasure in her job that acts like delicious shots of great espresso for my mood.

She makes me want to go for a run, make love like mad, run around with my dog, eat twenty Paani Puris, turn my face to the moon and be glad I am alive.

I have always wanted to do a post on my hero-worship of a woman best known as ‘domestic goddess’.

Some other time.

Right now, I am shocked by this latest news of her husband assaulting her in a public place..

I prefer not to mix personal lives of my favourite celebrities with my own fantasy triggered by them. Really, who can worship Amitabh Bachchan when you see him going barefoot to sidhdhivinayak temple?? Nope, Inspector Vijay is more than enough for one fan life in me.

I have read about Nigella’s past personal tragedies, but I prefer to stick to her TV persona and not read too much in her personal life.

But this news of her husband physically assaulting her in a public place is too much.

If it is true,then I hope Nigella deals with the man with as much honesty as she does with her food.

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You can still treat women as objects WITHOUT actually resorting to RAPE: Wow!! But How??? A Smart Guide for Smart Men by a Smart Man

(Please note that this is a CRITICAL SATIRE, borne out of extreme rage and helplessness I felt when I heard about the brutal rape of a 5 yr. old girl in Delhi , reported on April 19th 2013. The girl is out of danger, but her condition is still quite serious. )

Dear Men and Boys,

This guide is not for looser men who have been brainwashed by feminists into looking at females as people… Puhleezzz!! This guide is meant for REAL MEN who know the true value of females. OK??? OK??? \

Recent events of violent rapes have maligned the image of Indian men who are known all over the world as guardians of the great Indian Civilization. Some stupid men go and overdo things, then the hyper- sensitive media blows it out of proportion (several of these mediatrash are men , sadly) , crazy feminists demand law changes and government is forced to implement some so called ‘gender sensitive’ campaign.

I ask you: WHY?

Why go to the extremes when there are perfectly acceptable ways of treating women as objects and still not cause a furor??

Feminists say rape is not about sex but about power. I for once agree with them bitches. But why risk jail and social storm when you have smart tricks to exert power over women, that are easy and best of all, sanctioned by the society??

Tricks that leave no trace and proofs?

Tricks that will earn you a label as a macho man without having to go to jail?

Tricks that will have your peer group admiring you as a gutsy guy without any associated risks??

Sounds too good to be true?

These are not my inventions dear friend, but just age-old tricks that have been available to men and been practiced for centuries. But the recent environment of feminist hysteria might have led to you loosing track of some of these gems.

Let me guide you to these pearls of wisdom that will change your life as man wishing to look at women as objects, but forced to treat them as people.

1. OGLING:
This is not only acceptable, but also expected of you as a grown up man/ boy. If there is anything that looks female, OGLE. God has given you two eyes, make full use of them. OGLE. Make sure you make best of it by ogling body parts, so that you don’t have to waste time thinking about the female as a person etc. This trick is most effective as it can be used virtually anywhere and on anyone.

2. EVE-TEASING:
I love this term, it’s so flirtatious and actually, sweet. In a manly way. Our Bollywood movies have immortalized this theme for decades for a reason- it is ROMANTIC. The best way to tease the female is to whistle, make comments about body parts and do lewd gestures with your hands. Tip: This trick is best performed in a group, as it leads to healthy male bonding within your group.

3. GROPING:
This activity, I am afraid is limited to crowded places. But it allows you to touch the female unlike ways # 1 & 2 stated above. Again, the best way to optimize this trick is to go for the body parts. This trick requires acting skills in case confronted by a female. You need to look perfectly innocent and start shouting back at the female if you don’t want the crowds to beat you. (Tip: you better avoid the bitchy looking females).

4. DATE RAPE:
I don’t know why they call it rape. I mean once the chick has come on a date, how does it matter if she says “no” to sex, or if she is not awake when you have sex? Its sex, not rape!! PERIOD!! Anyway. Best part about this trick is that you can always throw mud at the character of the chick very easily if she complains. Everybody knows good girls don’t date. A techie version of this trick is video shooting the chick and distributing the images/ video via internet on MMS. Instant popularity guaranteed.

5. SEXUAL HARASSMENT AT WORKPLACE:
If you are fortunate enough to be at a senior position, dear sir, then your office is the best hunting ground for you. Females have no business aspiring to be on a senior position anyway. Being a secretary is good enough. Start practicing with really vulnerable females and then go ahead with those bitches ambitious enough to dream of rubbing shoulders with you in the boardroom. If the harassment fails with some of these bitches, fear not. You can always spread rumours about their character in the workplace and sabotage their life. We all know the only way a woman can climb the corporate ladder is on her back, heh heh.

As you can see my friends, all the above tricks give you kicks of treating the females as objects, without any need to take any extreme measures that can put you in a spot at all.

Feminists, unfortunately, have been protesting against all these venerable cultural traditional tricks and have managed to label them as illegal (How sissy our lawmakers are); but it’s still possible to practice them to your heart’s content in our society.

India might be one of the most unsafe places for women, but you must agree that it kicks ass to be a man in this country!! Just perform these tricks smartly so that it remains that way.

All the very best for your safe future.

Sincerely,
Smart Indian Man

P.S And all you looser rapists, WHY THE FUCK didn’t you stick to these age old proven tricks and save us this hysteria?

P.S.S And you sissy men getting all huffed and puffed up by my guide? Rot in hell with your ‘equal’ partners and your lady bosses and your ambitious daughters and your female buddies. The confident and healthy masculinity you claim is a feminist drug given to you, moron!!